Volume 4, Issue 18; 04 Mar 2020

The spam! It burns!

As a consequence of fiddling with how I do email, I’ve had occasion to cast my eye more regularly into the “spam” folder. Daily:

  • I am the recipient of, or necessary intermediary in, monetary transactions of hundreds of millions, perhaps billions of $, £, €, and ¥;
  • I win several lotteries run by Google, Microsoft, Amazon, cruise lines, foreign governments, and mysterious multinational corporations;
  • my email provider is going to shut down my account a great many times over if I don’t click this link;
  • and there are lots of cures for the barking of the dog I don’t have. Also, the television I rarely watch could be improved in many ways.
  • I am offered “inexpensive”, “natural”, “herbal” cures for my cancer, erectile dysfunction, skin disorders, baldness, excessive weight, insubstantial musculature, and countless other frailties. I’m surprised the onslaught of products to avoid and cure COVID-19 hasn’t begun yet.
  • I am the victim of ransomware attacks on “my network”;
  • I am blackmailed for deviant behavior surreptitiously captured by my webcam;
  • I am offered savings of thousands on my car, television, medical expenses, guns, boats, property, etc.;
  • I receive dozens of messages in scripts and languages I cannot read;
  • and cannabis all the things!

I do not, as a rule, wish ill upon others. I am willing to make an exception for the purveyors of this awful, manipulative excrement.